Weight Loss Update 4

I haven't lost any more weight, but I have been toning up.  I also have been lazy this summer and haven't spent as much time exercising as I was.  This IS going to change though.  It's time to get back to the gym!

I think roller derby has made a huge difference in my body shape.  I think that everyone that does derby will agree...there are some amazing changes that take place! I like it, it's a good thing!  Here are some other people and their changes.  I'd post my future roommate's, but I don't think she's made a digital copy of it yet.

                     

Ready

I am still experiencing some heartache with all that happened.  The heart doesn't heal so quickly.  Especially when things don't make sense.

There are things I wish.  Things I wanted.  Memories I wanted to make and share and build a life on. Things he shared with me that he wanted us to do together.  Nothing is left of that.  I was hoping and praying that God would intervene.  That he would come around and apologize and come back.  No word.  Nothing.  I'm not sure I can deal with it - well, I'm not dealing well with it.

But deep in my heart I know I am ready.  To focus on another.  To completely give of myself.  To truly love someone.  I want to encourage the man God has for me.  To make his house a home and a joy to be in.  To make him happy and walk together with God.  I want to give him children and raise them in the Lord.  This desire screams from every inch of my heart.  I so badly want this...and I so badly want God's best.  I'm just not sure what it is at this time...any of it.

Heart Break Hotel

I haven't blogged in forever.  I haven't updated my weight loss in forever.  A lot has been going on in my life.

I think I'm coming to the realization, that it IS better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.  It's not an easy lesson to learn.

I met someone in June.  After a couple weeks of emailing, I hoped in my heart that he just might be "the one," but I wasn't sure - I was holding back, I didn't want to jump the gun on any chance that I was reading into anything.  But he made his interest very clear and after a couple more weeks of emailing, we were more than ready for the next step, which we decided would be to meet in person.

He confessed to me that he was hoping I was also "the one."  The address for the restaurant we were supposed to meet at was 432.  His sweet text said, "432, where we meet 'the one'."  He was so sweet and despite my crazy nerves and that I tripped three times, it was a perfect first date.  He made me feel so comfortable, that I let the walls down and I let myself feel the emotions that I had been holding back.

We planned our next two dates and spent the time in between talking on the phone every night and texting.  Time couldn't go by fast enough, and I'm sure he felt that way too.  My schedule was kind of crazy - I didn't foresee a dating relationship and so I had planned things before that took up so much time.  But something also happened with him.  COLD FEET, as he called it.  Our second date was so completely opposite of the first - it went well, we laughed and had fun, but he had put up a wall.  And I knew it was bad.   I was hoping it was just that his day hadn't gone as planned, but deep down I knew it was going to end badly.

And end it did.  Not that night, but the next where he poured out the confessions of cold feet and distance being an issue.  And it took me most of the week to process to where I could respond...and I poured out my heart.  And the truth came out.  It was kind of shocking.  But at least it isn't me.  I was nice to know that.  He was still sweet and kind in the break up. "You're nice and beautiful.  You have great qualities.  It isn't you, it's me.  I want what's best for you now and in the future."  As kind as it was, it was so painful to hear.

I felt like the first time in my life - I was me.  Quirky, clumsy, awkward me.  I let my walls down.  Took all he had said to me to heart and let him in.  And then in an instant something changed.  I don't know exactly.  Something on his end scared him - gave him "cold feet" and he backed out...ended it.  Broke my heart.

And so, as much as I thought to myself how perfect he was for me.  And how much I am struggling at losing someone so sweet and kind, I have to realize that this isn't what God wanted.  He has things to teach me from it...like putting myself out there and just being me.  But the pain, the loss...it just seems so unfair that he would take something so good away from me.  I won't lie, I felt upset with God over it.  And funny thing is, I was listening to the radio on Monday and this is what I heard: It's OK to be upset with God!  Tell Him!  Keep those lines of communication open.  Pour it all out to God.  And so I have.  It hasn't been easy, but the lines of communication are open.

This has been my life recently.  Not fantastic...  Tears are never fun. Heartache is never fun. Learning lessons is difficult.  But I'm clinging to the fact - the hope - that God has someone even better out there for me.  When he will come into my life, only God knows.  I can only hope and pray that it is sooner, rather than later. <3 p="">

Weight Loss Update 3

So, I totally don't have my measurements and after a weekend of unhealthy eating and drinking I gained a couple pounds. I was so close to my next ten pound goal.  But I'm going to keep sticking with it!  Here is my newest pic.  I shocked myself when  looked in the mirror and realized I was developing a figure with some hot mama curves! This shirt of course does not help at all, but one of these days I'll take a pic with just my tank and shorts on!  That is, when I get brave.

P.S. Ignore the messy hair - I had just come back from working out.

P.S.S. In the words of Vanilla Ice, "I'm back with a brand new edition!"

I love my Brother

My brother sent me this message a couple weeks ago.  It made my night.  I love him bunches!

• April 12
• 

  2:50pm

  Admeral Tarvis Eldon Gates

  i know it's been a while, but i find it difficult to get up at a decent time to be able to call home...let mom and dad know that everything is fine here...we are registered with the U.S. embassy here and they will let us know if we need to evacuate...i also have a really good friend who works for intelligence for the air force and i hung out with him tonight and i asked him if we needed to be concerned and to go and he said that as much as he can tell us is that north korea could do something, but it wouldn't be against south korea...it would be more towards the bases in japan and guam...what kim jung un is doing right now is the same thing that his father did in 2009....he made all of these threats and went to the talks with everyone and got his needs met...the thing is that the current administration hasn't jumped to his needs the way bush did then...so he is making more threats...he isn't crazy...kim jung un is actually really smart and educated and he would have so much to loose if he really did anything...it is all just power play...he is tying to prove himself as a leader and make himself a valid player on the world table and prove and show the world that they are a valid player when it comes to nukes...the western media just blows it way out of proportion...but be that as it may...we are ready to go if we really need to...
• 

  3:04pm

  Admeral Tarvis Eldon Gates

  and by the way sis...you are looking awesome and i am really proud of you for the progress that you have made in losing weight...i never really pictured you to be someone that is athletic, but it seems that you have found your niche in roller derby...keep up the good work and know that you have inspired me to work on my own health...i love you sis and i can't wait to hang out with you agan...as far as i know we will be coming home after our current contracts end...it is time for us to come home and start our real lives...we have made some great progress in paying off our debts which is why we came here in the first place...we'll see you soon...

Loneliness

So, this past week has been really difficult.  Yes, yes, lots of tears.  I've never been much of a crier, but I've cried more in the past few months than I have in my entire life.  I'm still trying to work though things - unfortunately I've been trying to do it on my own. I can't even work though heartache without God....takes quite a while to deal with those things.

I realized on Monday of last week that I was angry with God for taking away something that I really wanted.  And that hurt me deeply.  I know He has reasons...and I know I learned from it already and am still learning from it, but that doesn't make it any easier.

So what happens when you are angry with God?  You shut Him out - or at least I have been -  without realizing it.  I didn't want to share my hurt with anyone...I felt like I'd been blabbing my hurt and heartache to everyone around me and they were sick of hearing about it, so I cut it off...I don't talk about it, even though my insides ache with loneliness.  I want it to be fixed.  I want God to whip out those giant princess band-aids  mend me up, take away all the sadness and tears and send me on my way - HAPPY.  Instead I feel the scar - it's pretty deep, and the hurt is still there, although it doesn't ache like used to.  And the depression has begun to slip in...the fog of not wanting to do anything but cry, emotionally eating is trying to sneak back in, the want of nothing but to sleep and make it all go away.  I have to force myself to go to the gym.  And where is God in all this?  Why isn't He listening to my prayers?  Why isn't he giving me back my happy heart?  Why can't I connect with Him?  Why? Why? Why?  All the whys have driven me to my knees more than once... But I feel like I'm holding back part of me because I don't know what God wants and that's a scary place to be in.

The sermon yesterday was about faith...and then today when I was reading during my QT, again God showed me a passage about faith.  It doesn't matter how small my faith is.  God will take what faith I have and grow it.  So what I need to do is to take a deep breath - let it go and give it over to God (easier said than done, right?).  I'm not sure what this is going to look like.  I do trust God and I do have faith in Him.  It's often that connection between my heart and my head that makes it difficult.

And the loneliness   Only God can fill that empty void in my heart.  It feels so gigantic, but He's gotta be the one filling me up before I can be with anyone else.  I just know I gotta take it one step at a time.

Words Hurt

It never seems to fail that I am touched by something posted by Proverbs 31 Ministries.  God has been using them in my life in a big way.

This came across my news feed today on FB:


-------------------------

Proverbs 31 Ministries

Sometimes words can cut deep into our hearts!

We’ve all been wounded by negative comments from people in our past or even people in our present. Sometimes it’s a parent who criticizes us, or a friend who rejected us. When we let their harsh words sink into our hearts and stay, it can cause us to believe we’re not worth anything!

That kind of insecurity can make us settle for unhealthy relationships and also keep us from following God’s plan for our lives.

Are there negative words people have said to you - or about you - that have crippled your hope in God’s ability to do great things through you? I know I struggle with this at times. Maybe we should both put a stop to it and ask God to send people to help us know and believe what He says about us – instead of all the critical words we’ve listened to for so long.

If you need some encouragement today, click on Renee Swope's radio program at http://www.proverbs31.org/radio/critical-words-1-2013-03/

-------------------------

I think I have struggled most of my life fighting the hurtful words of others.  They started at a young age and have continued on.  Critical words about my body screamed most loudly, but came also in words from bullies, parents, family members, siblings...

After recent events, I know I should not base my self worth on the way I am being treated...I DESERVE GOD'S ABSOLUTE BEST.  I am HIS child.  A PRINCESS of THE KING.

I hope you all remember that today as well... You are loved, you are beautiful, you are exactly who God created you to be, and you are chosen!

God Bless.

Letting God Down

I'm having one of those days.

It's one of those days where Satan is screaming at me with all his might, trying to drown out God's voice.

Because of some things that happened recently, I feel like I've been a big disappointment to God.  I let myself get sucked back into a situation because I still hadn't completely let go of what I wanted.  I saw it coming.  I had a bad feeling...and that feeling was correct.  I'm angry at myself.  I'm angry at this person.  And I feel like a total failure.

Now I need to move beyond the anger and the hurt.  I asked a friend today how I could move beyond feeling like I've let God down.  This is what she told me: "Have you asked the Lord's forgiveness? We all fail the Lord so many times every day without even thinking about it...We fall so short.  Your "failure" isn't great than any others.  It just makes His grace even that much more wonderful! :)"

I had so much regret that I hadn't even considered asking God for forgiveness.  So  I did and I'm also asking Him for His peace and for Him to free me from the bonds of this situation.  I'm so glad that when I fail - His wonderful grace covers us.



Proverbs 31 Ministries has made a huge impact in my life lately.  Today they posted this image...it always seems that just when I need it, God uses them to speak to my heart.

If I allowed Satan's words to drown out the voice of God, I could easily become dictated by these feelings of failure that he has been trying to plant in my life.  Praise the Lord for powerful words of wisdom!  Those feelings were an indicator that I needed to seek forgiveness with God, not a dictator of my life.

Recently this was posted through the online Bible study I have been participating in:

If it's not God's voice then I don't need to listen to it!  

I'm still learning and growing.  My walk with God won't be complete until the day I go to be with Him.  Praise the Lord for His goodness and mercy!

Weight Loss Part 2

Here are the new pics I promised. I took them on Sunday.

 Here I am!

And a side by side comparison: 

Finality

I had an amazing evening last night.  So much fun.  Things happened words were spoken and my heart was full.  But something was not quite right.  I had been sucked back into this "other reality."  I'm sick over the fact that I got drawn back in.  That I was lead on.  That what I thought was true, was not.  A part of me wants to cry...to curl up in my covers and not get out.  Another part of me is relieved.  So how do I move on?  Where do I go from here?  I'm not ready to face the rest of my "what-if's."  This is final.

God, please bring your peace into my life. Surround me with your love and your faithfulness.  Guard my heart against all that wages within.  I love you.  In your precious name I pray, Amen.

Proverbs 4:23 NASB
"Watch over your heart with all diligence, For from it flow the springs of life."

Difficult Day

Today was extremely difficult.  Some things happened and have been happening to re-awaken me to the fact that I am a nice person and don't deserve to be treated as crappy as I have been.  My heart does hurt, but I keep learning from these lessons. Sigh.  I wish all this mess had some how been so much easier to learn from.

I feel like my heart has been ripped to shreds, sewn partially up and then left hanging.  It needs to finish healing and I think the email I recently sent was a HUGE help...the results, which I'm nervous about could either be very good, very bad, or have no results what-so-ever.  It makes me nervous, but I have to leave it ALL in God's hands.  I want His best so badly.

I have this deep desire in my heart to be loved and cared for.  I want a family so bad.  I've gotten a touch of the baby fever.  It made me sad walking past the baby clothes in the store today.  I have this desire in my heart and I know God gave it to me, when will He fulfill it?  Sometimes being patient is so hard.

So, I let the tears fall today.  Tears for mistakes and tears for loneliness and tears for unfulfilled dreams.

But on the positive side of things, I made my weight goal!  I have been ill this week....so much so that I lost 7lbs!  I am now down to 239 - which means I owe myself a new pair of workout shoes!!   I've lost a total of 22 1/4 inches overall on my body!  Yay for progress.  A new picture will come your way very soon! :)

Keep praying for my heart - for God to guard and protect it and to keep me safe from harm.

Waiting on God

Nobody ever said waiting on God was easy.  It challenges me every day.  I have been waiting for my heart to heal from recent pain...when would my heart be healed?  I'd learned so much, what else was God trying to teach me?  My princess band aids are off and the scar is still fresh.  It could be easily damaged again.  The scar is fragile and my heart not quite healed.  So by not completely being "over" this heart break, how can I move forward without my heart being ripped apart again?

Let.It.Go.

As much as I want to tweak and control and make things happen the way I want them, I have to let it go.  It's in God's hands.  My heart is in His hands.  I need to continually pray for God to guard my heart and then let Him be in control of this situation.

Two things.
1.  The situation involves someone whom I want to have a redeeming relationship with Christ.  My heart hurts so, that they don't have that relationship that I cling to every day.  I don't want this person to spend eternity in hell.  I want them to know, to understand, to just get their need.  I want to shake them and say - don't you get it?!  But that wouldn't help.  I dream of the day when they tell me, or when I find out and I can jump up and down and hug them and be so excited for them.  Will it happen?  I'm praying like crazy and I see God working....waiting is hard.

2.  The heartache above involves this person.  Yes, I know getting involved with an unbeliever is clearly talked about in the Bible....I made a poor choice and chose to ignore the Holy Spirit and the Lord.  I tried to control the situation, ignoring the Lord and doing what I wanted.  And I learned a lot.  It turned out badly and could have destroyed our friendship.  My relationship with God is stronger and the lessons are invaluable.  This whole study on Let.It.Go has really hit home with my heart.  My heart is healing, the relationship above is healing.  Where it's going to go, only God knows.  I'm going to be patient and wait on the Lord.  Maybe this is who He has for me and that it's just going to take time to get there.  And then maybe He's just using the whole situation to mold me and shape me into a beautiful woman after His heart and He has someone else out there for me.  I just have to trust God.

And so as much as I want to be a teenage girl and giggle and be silly about all the little things and interactions, I have to be an adult and think about it in a different way.  It's between him and God.  If this is what God wants, He will work it out, but I can't worry about it, I can't pine over it.  I have to leave it in God's hands because He knows what's best for me. He wants His best for me.  It's now about waiting and trusting. I trust God with my heart and I KNOW WITHOUT A DOUBT, He will do what's absolutely best for me.  I have fears, but my God is bigger than my fears.  He can move mountains.  I love Him.

Trust God.  Wait patiently.  He will answer beyond our greatest expectations.

Weight Loss

I've been working on losing weight.  I'm so embarrassed to post these pictures.  But I feel like it shows some sort of accountability at how far I've come.

The first was in 2008?  I was at my heaviest. 292lbs.

October 2011.  I had lost maybe 15lbs since the above pic.

August 2012.  I had just decided in July it was time to actually start getting healthy.  I was down to 274lbs.

October 2012.  Down to 267lbs.

January 2013. Down to 247 lbs.

As I continue to loose weight and get healthy, I will post more images.  I'm excited about my progress, but I have a long way to go to get to my goal weight.  Right now I'm just working at 10lbs at a time. :)  

Rough Week

This has been a really rough week.  I can see the end in sight, but instead of seeing Saturday as a day off, I'm dreading it.  It's going to be a day that for the most part, I will spend alone.

It's hard for me to be alone.  I am an introvert, but when I'm alone-alone, I feel like I'm slipping back into my old ways - into a depression.  My love language is quality time...I crave that time with my friends and loved ones.  Part of me is just crying out for time with someone special.

God knows my heart and I truly want His best for me.  I had these princess band aids on my heart and my heart was healing from it's hurt and then this decision I needed to make...I made it and I'm working on taking care of the rest of it, but one of the band aids ripped of part of the scab on my heart...what was healing felt freshly injured.  I feel like I should be so beyond this.  Why can't my heart heal?  What's holding me back?  Why couldn't it have worked?  Why am I forced to be alone?  When will the desires of my heart be filled?

God's answer for me: This is not MY best for you.   You deserve MY absolute best and that wasn't it.  Don't make compromises, be who I created you to be!  Love Me and put Me first and I will fill the desires of your heart.

By why is it so hard to put that head knowledge into heart knowledge?

Trust.

I have to trust God.  I can't be in control of this...I tried and messed things up.  Yes, it takes two to tango, it wasn't all me, but my issues with trust and control didn't help.  I need to relax and LET GOD BE.

I know today was only Wednesday (by now it is Thursday)...I'm just hoping that, praying that, God will bring encouragement and joy to my heart.  I have to do my part, but I have to trust Him for the rest.

Will you pray for God to guard my heart and my mind from satan's attacks?

Painful Decision

My heart is in so much pain today, as is my body.  But my body hurts because of a hard workout last night and over-doing it at the gym this morning.  My heart hurts because its time I deal with the heartache I experienced last month.  I thought I had begun to bury the pain, but it feels as fresh as the day it happened.

I always knew words hurt.  They cut to the core.  I experienced this in elementary school when I was verbally tortured every day.  I need to make a decision...a tough decision.

(written Monday, Feb 4)

Heartache

 I've recently experienced some heartache.  I've been searching for resolve.  I've been seeking trust in the Lord and His peace.  There are no words to express the struggle in my heart right now.  Understanding is difficult and the pain is real.

God has been speaking to me through several people and ministries.  Some quotes and images below are ones that have spoken powerfully to my heart.





"The Creator of the world has pursued your heart, even to death on a cross.  His love for you is unmatched. His plan for you is unchanging.  And His grace for you is unending.  You are HIS object of affection."
- Matthew West (The Story of Your Life, book)

"Lord, please help me to remember that while the future may be very uncertain, you will never forsake me and heaven is my ultimate destination."
- Red Letter Blog (www.akmayes.com)




"Dear Lord, please bless her with Your peace.  Give her strength to hand over the worries, cares, and loneliness.  Take the pain and squelch the doubt.  Remind her You are her God: the Great I AM.  Nothing is impossible with You.  And You do turn all things for good.  be with her tonight and grant her sweet, safe, sound sleep.  Thank you for Your presence.  In Jesus' Name, Amen.
- Proverbs 31 Ministries (Facebook post)

 

{source: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Sweet-to-the-Soul/300622773369299}