I haven't blogged in forever. I haven't updated my weight loss in forever. A lot has been going on in my life.
I think I'm coming to the realization, that it IS better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. It's not an easy lesson to learn.
I met someone in June. After a couple weeks of emailing, I hoped in my heart that he just might be "the one," but I wasn't sure - I was holding back, I didn't want to jump the gun on any chance that I was reading into anything. But he made his interest very clear and after a couple more weeks of emailing, we were more than ready for the next step, which we decided would be to meet in person.
He confessed to me that he was hoping I was also "the one." The address for the restaurant we were supposed to meet at was 432. His sweet text said, "432, where we meet 'the one'." He was so sweet and despite my crazy nerves and that I tripped three times, it was a perfect first date. He made me feel so comfortable, that I let the walls down and I let myself feel the emotions that I had been holding back.
We planned our next two dates and spent the time in between talking on the phone every night and texting. Time couldn't go by fast enough, and I'm sure he felt that way too. My schedule was kind of crazy - I didn't foresee a dating relationship and so I had planned things before that took up so much time. But something also happened with him. COLD FEET, as he called it. Our second date was so completely opposite of the first - it went well, we laughed and had fun, but he had put up a wall. And I knew it was bad. I was hoping it was just that his day hadn't gone as planned, but deep down I knew it was going to end badly.
And end it did. Not that night, but the next where he poured out the confessions of cold feet and distance being an issue. And it took me most of the week to process to where I could respond...and I poured out my heart. And the truth came out. It was kind of shocking. But at least it isn't me. I was nice to know that. He was still sweet and kind in the break up. "You're nice and beautiful. You have great qualities. It isn't you, it's me. I want what's best for you now and in the future." As kind as it was, it was so painful to hear.
I felt like the first time in my life - I was me. Quirky, clumsy, awkward me. I let my walls down. Took all he had said to me to heart and let him in. And then in an instant something changed. I don't know exactly. Something on his end scared him - gave him "cold feet" and he backed out...ended it. Broke my heart.
And so, as much as I thought to myself how perfect he was for me. And how much I am struggling at losing someone so sweet and kind, I have to realize that this isn't what God wanted. He has things to teach me from it...like putting myself out there and just being me. But the pain, the loss...it just seems so unfair that he would take something so good away from me. I won't lie, I felt upset with God over it. And funny thing is, I was listening to the radio on Monday and this is what I heard: It's OK to be upset with God! Tell Him! Keep those lines of communication open. Pour it all out to God. And so I have. It hasn't been easy, but the lines of communication are open.
This has been my life recently. Not fantastic... Tears are never fun. Heartache is never fun. Learning lessons is difficult. But I'm clinging to the fact - the hope - that God has someone even better out there for me. When he will come into my life, only God knows. I can only hope and pray that it is sooner, rather than later. <3 p="">
No comments:
Post a Comment