Today was extremely difficult. Some things happened and have been happening to re-awaken me to the fact that I am a nice person and don't deserve to be treated as crappy as I have been. My heart does hurt, but I keep learning from these lessons. Sigh. I wish all this mess had some how been so much easier to learn from.
I feel like my heart has been ripped to shreds, sewn partially up and then left hanging. It needs to finish healing and I think the email I recently sent was a HUGE help...the results, which I'm nervous about could either be very good, very bad, or have no results what-so-ever. It makes me nervous, but I have to leave it ALL in God's hands. I want His best so badly.
I have this deep desire in my heart to be loved and cared for. I want a family so bad. I've gotten a touch of the baby fever. It made me sad walking past the baby clothes in the store today. I have this desire in my heart and I know God gave it to me, when will He fulfill it? Sometimes being patient is so hard.
So, I let the tears fall today. Tears for mistakes and tears for loneliness and tears for unfulfilled dreams.
But on the positive side of things, I made my weight goal! I have been ill this week....so much so that I lost 7lbs! I am now down to 239 - which means I owe myself a new pair of workout shoes!! I've lost a total of 22 1/4 inches overall on my body! Yay for progress. A new picture will come your way very soon! :)
Keep praying for my heart - for God to guard and protect it and to keep me safe from harm.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Friday, February 22, 2013
Waiting on God
Nobody ever said waiting on God was easy. It challenges me every day. I have been waiting for my heart to heal from recent pain...when would my heart be healed? I'd learned so much, what else was God trying to teach me? My princess band aids are off and the scar is still fresh. It could be easily damaged again. The scar is fragile and my heart not quite healed. So by not completely being "over" this heart break, how can I move forward without my heart being ripped apart again?
Let.It.Go.
As much as I want to tweak and control and make things happen the way I want them, I have to let it go. It's in God's hands. My heart is in His hands. I need to continually pray for God to guard my heart and then let Him be in control of this situation.
Two things.
1. The situation involves someone whom I want to have a redeeming relationship with Christ. My heart hurts so, that they don't have that relationship that I cling to every day. I don't want this person to spend eternity in hell. I want them to know, to understand, to just get their need. I want to shake them and say - don't you get it?! But that wouldn't help. I dream of the day when they tell me, or when I find out and I can jump up and down and hug them and be so excited for them. Will it happen? I'm praying like crazy and I see God working....waiting is hard.
2. The heartache above involves this person. Yes, I know getting involved with an unbeliever is clearly talked about in the Bible....I made a poor choice and chose to ignore the Holy Spirit and the Lord. I tried to control the situation, ignoring the Lord and doing what I wanted. And I learned a lot. It turned out badly and could have destroyed our friendship. My relationship with God is stronger and the lessons are invaluable. This whole study on Let.It.Go has really hit home with my heart. My heart is healing, the relationship above is healing. Where it's going to go, only God knows. I'm going to be patient and wait on the Lord. Maybe this is who He has for me and that it's just going to take time to get there. And then maybe He's just using the whole situation to mold me and shape me into a beautiful woman after His heart and He has someone else out there for me. I just have to trust God.
And so as much as I want to be a teenage girl and giggle and be silly about all the little things and interactions, I have to be an adult and think about it in a different way. It's between him and God. If this is what God wants, He will work it out, but I can't worry about it, I can't pine over it. I have to leave it in God's hands because He knows what's best for me. He wants His best for me. It's now about waiting and trusting. I trust God with my heart and I KNOW WITHOUT A DOUBT, He will do what's absolutely best for me. I have fears, but my God is bigger than my fears. He can move mountains. I love Him.
Trust God. Wait patiently. He will answer beyond our greatest expectations.
Let.It.Go.
As much as I want to tweak and control and make things happen the way I want them, I have to let it go. It's in God's hands. My heart is in His hands. I need to continually pray for God to guard my heart and then let Him be in control of this situation.
Two things.
1. The situation involves someone whom I want to have a redeeming relationship with Christ. My heart hurts so, that they don't have that relationship that I cling to every day. I don't want this person to spend eternity in hell. I want them to know, to understand, to just get their need. I want to shake them and say - don't you get it?! But that wouldn't help. I dream of the day when they tell me, or when I find out and I can jump up and down and hug them and be so excited for them. Will it happen? I'm praying like crazy and I see God working....waiting is hard.
2. The heartache above involves this person. Yes, I know getting involved with an unbeliever is clearly talked about in the Bible....I made a poor choice and chose to ignore the Holy Spirit and the Lord. I tried to control the situation, ignoring the Lord and doing what I wanted. And I learned a lot. It turned out badly and could have destroyed our friendship. My relationship with God is stronger and the lessons are invaluable. This whole study on Let.It.Go has really hit home with my heart. My heart is healing, the relationship above is healing. Where it's going to go, only God knows. I'm going to be patient and wait on the Lord. Maybe this is who He has for me and that it's just going to take time to get there. And then maybe He's just using the whole situation to mold me and shape me into a beautiful woman after His heart and He has someone else out there for me. I just have to trust God.
And so as much as I want to be a teenage girl and giggle and be silly about all the little things and interactions, I have to be an adult and think about it in a different way. It's between him and God. If this is what God wants, He will work it out, but I can't worry about it, I can't pine over it. I have to leave it in God's hands because He knows what's best for me. He wants His best for me. It's now about waiting and trusting. I trust God with my heart and I KNOW WITHOUT A DOUBT, He will do what's absolutely best for me. I have fears, but my God is bigger than my fears. He can move mountains. I love Him.
Trust God. Wait patiently. He will answer beyond our greatest expectations.
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Weight Loss
I've been working on losing weight. I'm so embarrassed to post these pictures. But I feel like it shows some sort of accountability at how far I've come.
The first was in 2008? I was at my heaviest. 292lbs.
October 2011. I had lost maybe 15lbs since the above pic.
August 2012. I had just decided in July it was time to actually start getting healthy. I was down to 274lbs.
October 2012. Down to 267lbs.
January 2013. Down to 247 lbs.
As I continue to loose weight and get healthy, I will post more images. I'm excited about my progress, but I have a long way to go to get to my goal weight. Right now I'm just working at 10lbs at a time. :)
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Rough Week
This has been a really rough week. I can see the end in sight, but instead of seeing Saturday as a day off, I'm dreading it. It's going to be a day that for the most part, I will spend alone.
It's hard for me to be alone. I am an introvert, but when I'm alone-alone, I feel like I'm slipping back into my old ways - into a depression. My love language is quality time...I crave that time with my friends and loved ones. Part of me is just crying out for time with someone special.
God knows my heart and I truly want His best for me. I had these princess band aids on my heart and my heart was healing from it's hurt and then this decision I needed to make...I made it and I'm working on taking care of the rest of it, but one of the band aids ripped of part of the scab on my heart...what was healing felt freshly injured. I feel like I should be so beyond this. Why can't my heart heal? What's holding me back? Why couldn't it have worked? Why am I forced to be alone? When will the desires of my heart be filled?
God's answer for me: This is not MY best for you. You deserve MY absolute best and that wasn't it. Don't make compromises, be who I created you to be! Love Me and put Me first and I will fill the desires of your heart.
By why is it so hard to put that head knowledge into heart knowledge?
Trust.
I have to trust God. I can't be in control of this...I tried and messed things up. Yes, it takes two to tango, it wasn't all me, but my issues with trust and control didn't help. I need to relax and LET GOD BE.
I know today was only Wednesday (by now it is Thursday)...I'm just hoping that, praying that, God will bring encouragement and joy to my heart. I have to do my part, but I have to trust Him for the rest.
Will you pray for God to guard my heart and my mind from satan's attacks?
It's hard for me to be alone. I am an introvert, but when I'm alone-alone, I feel like I'm slipping back into my old ways - into a depression. My love language is quality time...I crave that time with my friends and loved ones. Part of me is just crying out for time with someone special.
God knows my heart and I truly want His best for me. I had these princess band aids on my heart and my heart was healing from it's hurt and then this decision I needed to make...I made it and I'm working on taking care of the rest of it, but one of the band aids ripped of part of the scab on my heart...what was healing felt freshly injured. I feel like I should be so beyond this. Why can't my heart heal? What's holding me back? Why couldn't it have worked? Why am I forced to be alone? When will the desires of my heart be filled?
God's answer for me: This is not MY best for you. You deserve MY absolute best and that wasn't it. Don't make compromises, be who I created you to be! Love Me and put Me first and I will fill the desires of your heart.
By why is it so hard to put that head knowledge into heart knowledge?
Trust.
I have to trust God. I can't be in control of this...I tried and messed things up. Yes, it takes two to tango, it wasn't all me, but my issues with trust and control didn't help. I need to relax and LET GOD BE.
I know today was only Wednesday (by now it is Thursday)...I'm just hoping that, praying that, God will bring encouragement and joy to my heart. I have to do my part, but I have to trust Him for the rest.
Will you pray for God to guard my heart and my mind from satan's attacks?
Painful Decision
My heart is in so much pain today, as is my body. But my body hurts because of a hard workout last night and over-doing it at the gym this morning. My heart hurts because its time I deal with the heartache I experienced last month. I thought I had begun to bury the pain, but it feels as fresh as the day it happened.
I always knew words hurt. They cut to the core. I experienced this in elementary school when I was verbally tortured every day. I need to make a decision...a tough decision.
(written Monday, Feb 4)
I always knew words hurt. They cut to the core. I experienced this in elementary school when I was verbally tortured every day. I need to make a decision...a tough decision.
(written Monday, Feb 4)
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