The Sickness is Real

I am siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick!!! Oy! I'm still trying to start the year out strong, but I am struggling big time! I'm now on antibiotics and prednisone.  The prednisone wants to make me eat everything in site and then cry my eyes out.  Haha.  I know, I'm a mess.  At least I can laugh at it!

Day 3 motivational thought.  I guess this applies, right?

My Word for 2015 is....

I decided to pick a word for 2015.  I want to live life to the fullest and seize every moment.  SO - here I am!  Seizing the moment with my word:

I am focusing on a new year; new me.  I want to do new things and focus on what matters.  What's new - sharing this blog which has been a private ground of my rants, heartbreak and etc.  I share about my weight loss journey and I'm real. 

Welcome to my life - welcome to the new me. 

DAY 1: FOCUS on a new start.

Words of Encouragement

I think our relationship might be over.  I'm really confused by what he wants. I'm trying my best to let it rest in God's hands.  I have no idea what He is doing; what He is trying to teach me.  Every time I am in a relationship, I feel like I can't believe God is blessing me with this opportunity.  And every time it falls apart I feel like I'm just never going to be good enough; that I don't really deserve this desire in my heart; that God is never going to bring into my life "the one." That there is something wrong with me.  I know, depressing, right?

I was reminded by a friend this past week, who wasn't married until much later in life, that I don't have to be "good enough." Nobody is good enough and it is God who makes us good enough. We can't be without Him.  She also reminded me that God is not a callous God and that if He gave me those desires in my heart to be married and have kids, that He would fulfill those desires. This waiting time is so difficult, but she reminded me to enjoy my singleness and enjoy this time as well to cultivate qualities I will need for marriage in my life right now.  Sweet words from a sweet friend in a time of need.

Some quotes and verses that have really struck me this last week:

         

                   

            

I'm BACK.

After not blogging for a LONNNNNG time, I'm back.  I've been meaning to post for a while. My weight loss journey got really hard and I'm trying to make some more healthy changes in my life.  This week, I've lost some weight, but it's mostly due to me not eating very much.  I don't manage heartache very well and the last thing I want to do during the pain is to eat.  I know - kind of opposite of most people who stuff their face to cope with their feelings.  Trust me, sometimes I want to stuff my face, but it's usually just because of normal stress.  Anyway....

I could use some major prayers in the relationship department.  We haven't been dating very long, but have building our relationship for much longer.  On paper, we're a cute couple - get a long great, lots of similarities, both love God.  I care about him SO much.  But we're fighting for that spark.  I think it takes time, while he feels that it should have already been there.  We have so much good going that I don't want to just give up.  So I'm praying like crazy for God's guidance - that He will lead us and that He will make it clear what we need to do.  My heart hurts like crazy right now.  We've been talking about what to do and what he wants and right now he has a full weekend and needs the time to think.  So, I have to figure out how to wait.  Waiting is really hard, especially when your heart and relationship are on the line.  I've really invested in us and just letting it go seems really difficult.  And so this in between time is hard.  I miss him like crazy.  Miss the texts and the emails.  Miss the fun conversations and the phone calls.  Just pray, pray like crazy that God will guide us and give me peace.

Well...more later. I'll get back up to date on my weight loss journey and try to keep you updated on our relationship as well.

Blessings~

Pain

I'm feeling really low...a cry my eyes out kind of low.  My back is killing me.  Finances are looming.  Car troubles.  I gained weight when I tried to loose it.  I feel absolutely alone.  I have too much junk.  The noise from these things is shouting at me.

So, I don't think I really processed the hurt I was in from the last relationship.  I was going to break up with him, but I'm still sad that it ended so poorly.  My heart hurts that I'm alone again....but I'd rather be alone than unhappy and I was unhappy.  I know God will bring the right person into my life.  In the meantime, dating is hard.  It's not easy.  I think I'm pretty much done with the whole online dating thing.  It wasn't going so well.  I miss that person to person connection that you have in life.  I'm going to trust God one day at a time that He will be faithful to bring that man into my life.

My back - I'm not sure if it is my bed or what, but I've had a back ache all day and it kept me up last night.  I couldn't get comfortable.  It still hurts right now.  I'm going to take something once I get home.

Oh finances.  Well, I made another mistake, but luckily, it can be fixed, but the trouble is that it is happening at the same time that I am having car trouble and will need to replace my car.  My car is on its last legs...unfortunately replacing it also means I loose some of my independence by moving home again.

And so, things are building up and I just want to cry my eyes out.  I wish life were easier, especially being a woman and trying to make it on my own.  I can't even afford rent and utilities by myself.  I guess i just need to start hoarding money or something.

Gaining weight-  I gained weight when I started my new job and then there were a bunch of changes with derby and our practice schedule and my work interferes with it....makes it so difficult.  I'm trying to make good choices and it has to be one day at a time.  I just have to chug along and try and do the best  I can.  I have a goal and I want to meet it.  I have a certain number of pounds I want to loose and I want to run a 5k.

Junk - I am doing my best to get rid of all of the junk in my life. Clutter, stuff, things I don't need, clothes I won't wear.  I don't need it and I don't want it.  I keep taking bags of stuff to Goodwill and the Salvation Army. Sometimes it just feels so overwhelming when you don't know what to do with it.

The noise - we talked about this at church today.  Everything screaming at me for my attention when what I really need in my life right now is to be quite and listen for God's voice.  To spend time in His word and hear what he says for me.  I need more than anything for my life to be in line with His will and to hear what He wants for me.

All this - I just need to take it one day at a time.  It will be slow and steady, but I will do my best.

Why Hello Again!

Well.  I haven't posted in forever.  I changed jobs and went from being super active to not so much.  So I gained some weight and hit a plateau for loosing.  It's been a battle the last few months.

I also went though a relationship that didn't work out.  I learned from it.  I guess that's the good part.  I might write more about that later.

I got kind of sad today over a past relationship with a guy I really cared about.  I was just reading some of our old emails and got misty-eyed.  If he ever came around and told me he'd made a mistake, I would probably jump right back into that relationship... it was just something I was thinking about.  He really made me feel special and had so many important qualities.

ANYWAY.  What is most important is my relationship with God and I can't settle for less than His best and so I would rather be single than in a relationship that was going no where and the one that just ended was going NO WHERE FAST.  So, I'm just going to keep on trucking on and go where the Lord leads!

Weight Loss Update 4

I haven't lost any more weight, but I have been toning up.  I also have been lazy this summer and haven't spent as much time exercising as I was.  This IS going to change though.  It's time to get back to the gym!

I think roller derby has made a huge difference in my body shape.  I think that everyone that does derby will agree...there are some amazing changes that take place! I like it, it's a good thing!  Here are some other people and their changes.  I'd post my future roommate's, but I don't think she's made a digital copy of it yet.