Loneliness

So, this past week has been really difficult.  Yes, yes, lots of tears.  I've never been much of a crier, but I've cried more in the past few months than I have in my entire life.  I'm still trying to work though things - unfortunately I've been trying to do it on my own. I can't even work though heartache without God....takes quite a while to deal with those things.

I realized on Monday of last week that I was angry with God for taking away something that I really wanted.  And that hurt me deeply.  I know He has reasons...and I know I learned from it already and am still learning from it, but that doesn't make it any easier.

So what happens when you are angry with God?  You shut Him out - or at least I have been -  without realizing it.  I didn't want to share my hurt with anyone...I felt like I'd been blabbing my hurt and heartache to everyone around me and they were sick of hearing about it, so I cut it off...I don't talk about it, even though my insides ache with loneliness.  I want it to be fixed.  I want God to whip out those giant princess band-aids  mend me up, take away all the sadness and tears and send me on my way - HAPPY.  Instead I feel the scar - it's pretty deep, and the hurt is still there, although it doesn't ache like used to.  And the depression has begun to slip in...the fog of not wanting to do anything but cry, emotionally eating is trying to sneak back in, the want of nothing but to sleep and make it all go away.  I have to force myself to go to the gym.  And where is God in all this?  Why isn't He listening to my prayers?  Why isn't he giving me back my happy heart?  Why can't I connect with Him?  Why? Why? Why?  All the whys have driven me to my knees more than once... But I feel like I'm holding back part of me because I don't know what God wants and that's a scary place to be in.

The sermon yesterday was about faith...and then today when I was reading during my QT, again God showed me a passage about faith.  It doesn't matter how small my faith is.  God will take what faith I have and grow it.  So what I need to do is to take a deep breath - let it go and give it over to God (easier said than done, right?).  I'm not sure what this is going to look like.  I do trust God and I do have faith in Him.  It's often that connection between my heart and my head that makes it difficult.

And the loneliness   Only God can fill that empty void in my heart.  It feels so gigantic, but He's gotta be the one filling me up before I can be with anyone else.  I just know I gotta take it one step at a time.